I was giving away a piece of my sandwich to a cat when I noticed its expression and was struck with a sense of inferiority. A type of inferiority that told me I was nothing but one of the mere contraptions producing small bits of food on an outstretched palm.
In that moment, I formed the only educated guess that could help me understand this situation. These cats are aliens. I believe they’re from Mars, but where cats originate from is still debatable.
I’m not saying this because I’m a dog person. My dog has recently been showing more attention to my mother instead of me which has caused me to stay up at night basking in painful, emotional turmoil. So, my bias toward leathery noses and floppy ears will probably be extinct in my reasoning.
Since I trust myself in holding the right qualifications for studying cat-like extraterrestrial behaviors, I dedicated my time into researching their furry motives.
From my observations, I figured out the alien cats from maybe Mars have developed a surprisingly complex routine to achieve their goal of turning us into servants who exist to only hand feed them oily pastelitos and plantain chips.
I call it the “one-sided relationship.” The process begins when you, the test subject, is fooled into believing a relationship has formed when in reality the cat is trying to figure out the most effective way of turning you into its personal vending machine.
There are two ways this experiment can go depending on who is being tested. The test subject, stuck in his or her merry delusion, continues to offer the cat the rest of the meal.
The cat senses an advancement in its plan and signals for partners to join. The test subjects are touched that the cats have trusted them with their friends and proceed to offer more of their food.
In the end, the test subject is not only left empty handed, but has helped in the development of human domination. If the test subject doesn’t offer food, the cat simply leaves and finds another helpless, unaware subject.
The test subject is then left with a growing sense of emptiness that haunts him or the rest of the day which then leads to a greater chance of later feeding the cats, and the entire first process is repeated.
I’m pleased to add that the cats are fairly lazy. If they’re not busy swarming someone for information, they’re usually found sleeping on sun-lit benches or under random shrubs.
It might take a while before they start using us for other reasons. So for now, you can enjoy your packed lunch, volunteer, get a cool thing that barks, talk to yourself, or start preparing your transfer applications. Just in case.
